Abandonment

I work outside of the home now.

My heart doesn’t believe in recovery it seems.

Nothing seems quite right….and it is silent.

No music.

Only quiet.

 

The Repeated Refrain

The trouble with a multi-tracked mind is repetition is not always a good thing.

trouble, trouble…I knew you were trouble when you walked in…

Last night, it was a portion of One Republic’s Counting Stars, which I cannot recall for the life of me now, but which was very prominent then. Prominent in such a way that this morning, all I can recall is my anger at “board placements.”

Yes, lately I have decided that “Board of Directors” is nothing more than a popularity contest that has little to do with real experience. At least in small-town museum boards and medium-profile animal shelters. Unless one is born into privilege, you will never, ever, sit on a board. Your parents must have made the name for you; if they are no one, it doesn’t matter what you have accomplished. If you do not have hoards of money sitting around, you are nothing. You can serve your community, serve your company, and it’s all for nought without the pile of dough.

My focus now must be my plan (of which I have none, so this is a problem) and not on the lives and businesses of others. I have hidden the feeds on Facebook of other company leaders as their benefits not matching mine I cannot allow to be a distraction. You see, I’ve been written off as done and washed up.

I cannot allow it to hurt. It’s not a cut, it’s just a rock that was thrown to keep me down. The only solution is to focus on what I know to do in a world that doesn’t seem to want it: book, sell, recruit.

Do I go back to Michigan to salvage the team there? Is it worth the cost?

I do not know, and cannot decide.

Those who stay will be champions.

Really, WordPress? Beep beep boop?

Someone has spilled something on this keyboard.

Not that I sit here much anymore; the days of working behind a desk at home seem long gone. I can just as easily work from my iPad; not that there is much to do.

It seems my company may be going under. I think I may be able to save it.

No one is really interested in me saving it, however. There is no one cheering should I decide to run into this burning building. Just flaming falling timbers and walls and floors that may collapse – for what?

Why should I risk the heat and the fire?

I can say I have the equipment necessary for the rescue laying around me. I have most of the documentation ready. I have a few saying, “mmmm, maybe.”

Did I mention I already started another job, due to the severity of this burn?

The new job is not enough to keep us afloat. We have no debt other than our mortgage, but hubby just took a pay cut (when he should have received a raise) and it’s going to be tight for awhile.

Unless I put out this fire.

And save the company.

I have no plan of attack, which is the problem. I’m starting to write down just what I have done daily on my calendar. If no one cares, at least I can leave a record should somebody start to care.

Four prong attack…right now everyone is focused on just one. I know the other three…and Im’ down to just 90 people able to help, if I can reach them. Working on the reach today, as this cannot be done alone.

It’s the reach that is scary. I have enemies.

They are mean.

They do hurtful things when I’ve reached in the past.

No soundtracks lately. Desolation replaces the soundtrack, and I miss my music.

Missing a month…in more ways than one.

I missed writing my June blog entry.

I think I actually missed the entire month of June. It is gone, and I truly have no idea where it went.

It’s a quiet day in my mind…not much going on. Too tired, too many other distractions one must weed out – the sounds of my daughter and her friend singing in the bathroom as the acoustics are better – the hum of the air conditioner, the heat of the sun from the window on my back, my stomach wanting something other than the green beans I gave it.

June simply disappeared as I finished the exhibit and got it on display. I worked on nothing else, turn in no personal sales, and watched dreams of twelve years go up in smoke (through no fault of my own; the company I subcontract with is potentially closing.) Now I have a highly regarded exhibit with excellent reviews, over 2000 hits on google if you search “Katie Cornelius curator” and new distaste for media (when do they ever check facts or tell the story in front of them?) and a pure outright rage at those victimizing others for money (Cannot go into that, lest someone actually read this blog.)

One month to figure it all out. One month that starts on Monday – when the exhibit goes down. Time to clean the house; get ready for the road ahead. One with multiple soundtracks playing.

Timing is everything

Ah to have a time machine.

The movie the Time Machine from the late 50’s begins to play on a side track – “Weena!”

To prevent tragedies, yes, but more importantly, to know when to act, and when to stay silent.

Charlton Heston in the last scene from Planet of the Apes cuts in, “Noooo!”

To remember that you intend to start a new habit, and that habit could be life altering.

As could winning HGTV’s newest technology home…

The soundtrack accompanying my every thought varies.  Sometimes its movie scenes (such as today)-other times its ideas exploding (such as ASU orientation.  I was desperate to grab the mic.)

Maleficent isn’t living up to the hype.  I still will go see it today.

Since the discovery that few others think as I do; I’ve attempted to control my thoughts – focusing more on one track than others.

The Slide Fire keeps interrupting me – I should check this morning’s status on Inciweb.

I found this past week when I was sick I was much better able to focus on one line of thought – and actually may have accomplished more while sick.

Just thinking about the past week has silenced other tracks – interesting.  The focus is on the accomplishments and it stills the competing tracks.

But you forgot to look for pedestals!!!

Yes, I forgot to look for pedestals.  Which I will need.  But on the whole, the exhibit is looking nice, I’ve established a new website and newsletter for lia sophia and things are looking better.  Especially my nose (which was rather unsightly for the majority of the week and caused great distress and pain.)

Timing is everything…and concentrating on one time seems to silent the soundtrack mind.

Not that I ever mind:)

 

 

 

“Let it Go, Let…

“Let it Go, Let it Go, don’t hold it back anymore…”

What do you mean you don’t hear a soundtrack in the back of most conversations?  That you only think of one thing at a time?  Don’t you have two-four trains of thought running seamlessly through your mind at all times?

Let it go, let it go….seamlessly…sewing…Abbie’s prom dress…sewing while listening to Hannity…

I only recently discovered that most people only think of one thing when thinking or speaking.

At the Sundog station today, that young crew member questioned my choice of a dress.  Like I KNEW i was going to the Sundog station when I got dressed.  Geez.

Apparently, one doesn’t normally hold several thought patterns at once.

Is the dog sick?  He still hasn’t eaten.  I am worried.

At times, I’ve kept track of up to five different things; since I’ve discovered it’s not “normal” I realize typically its only two to three.  The only time it’s one is, well, very rare under certain circumstances.

Dang I had fun climbing all over that old fire station.  I wonder if that’s that dog I hear eating.

Let the cold wind blow…

Music is often accompanying my thoughts, with a seperate track trying to fill in lyrics it doesn’t know, while a third track makes up lyrics to fit.

That is the dog eating.  Thank God.  I’m no longer worried. How can I signify a third thread?

Yes, I really do think all these things at the exact same time.  It’s always been that way.  I just now find out most people don’t do that.

Let the cold wind blow…things tend to get stuck…the cold never bothered me anyway.